Seven Strategies for Self-Control to Live the Life You Want

“Just one more bite.”

“I need to get to the next level.”

“Sure, I will have another.”

“I just need to vent.”

These are just a few examples of that voice inside our heads that takes us from moderation and a healthy place to unhealthy behaviors leading to negative consequences.  We all, in some aspect of our life, deal with self-control issues.  It’s part of being human.

“Discipline and denial lead to great things in life.”  – The life insurance sales legend, John Savage so eloquently advises on a complicated issue.  How can we obtain such a state of existence?  What is easy to do, is often as easy not to do!

The prefrontal cortex of a human’s brain (where self-control is based) is quite a bit larger in humans than in other mammals.  This means we are born with the ability to plan and even find ways avoid mistakes and solve problems. Of course, just like any other ability – some people have to work harder than others to achieve results or find ease in mastering one area of their life over another.

I remember hearing about “The Marshmallow Test” that came about in the 1970’s.  Psychologist Walter Mischel left children alone in a room with one marshmallow.  He told them that if they did not eat the marshmallow, they could have two later.  The kids who were willing to wait for the second marshmallow (delayed gratification) were followed throughout their lives and showed numerous positive life outcomes compared to the ones who could not wait and ate the first marshmallow.  We are not all born with an overabundance of self-control.

Here are seven strategies that you can use to help with your self-control issues:

1. Be aware of your triggers and avoid them. Listen for that voice in your head and know your emotional trigger. You can train yourself to “flip the switch” by having a planned ahead of time as to your reaction when these things happen.  If your temptation is to take that extra bite, have an awareness of your trigger, (your automatic thought) and re-frame it. In other words, as you hear the trigger, you now say, “No thank you, I have had enough”.  Tempted to say something you should not, learn the trigger, it might sound something like, “they need to feel this” or “I probably shouldn’t say anything but…” Change that unproductive thought to, “Is this battle really that important?”
2. Let go of control! It may seem like a contradiction but letting go of control of others can be a very healing exercise for you.  Being too controlling of others or situations is not healthy.  Relinquishing some of those controls can be vital for you and the other people involved.  Start out small – this cannot be solved overnight.  It will take a conscious effort on your part. Once again, the automated thought might sound something like, “I can do it better if I do it myself” or “They will screw it up”. Change that thought to, “It’s important I let them learn (or fail
3. Understand your EQ (Emotional Intelligence). Truly get to know yourself.  Start to gain awareness of the impact of your words, actions and behaviors and the impact they have on others.  Ask questions of the people around you, even if you don’t want to hear the answers.  Once you are aware of your impact, you can begin to be able to respond appropriately.  Emotional Intelligence is listening to understand versus listening to respond.  Once you take time to understand the situation or the emotions, you can find the right response, leading to problem solving and relationship building.
4. Create a plan. So, now you have self-awareness, but today you ate that extra bite, spent too much time on video games or crossed that line with a co-worker.  Everyone has a bad day.  Do not let one small setback ruin your whole plan.  Get back on the track, do not beat yourself up. In interpersonal relationships, recognize when you do need to take ownership and apologize.
5. Learn to say NO. For some people this comes easy, but for others who have been trained from a young age to be compliant, it is very difficult to say no, even to the smallest requests.  Start by saying no to small requests from people.  There is no reason to explain or apologize – just say no.  You will realize that having this ability to say no is very freeing and reduces a lot of stress in your life once you truly learn how to do it. If no is not easy for you, practice saying things like, “Let me get back to you”, “Or, “Hmm, interesting, let me think about it” or “thank you, I have had enough”.
6. Get an accountability partner. We all know that accountability drives results. Find someone you can trust and be open and vulnerable with and count on to help you versus judge you. This can be a friend, family member, or co-worker.  It might be someone with the same issues or goals. You will be able to help each other by communicating things that you might be struggling with.  It’s always nice to have someone in your corner.  An accountability partner will be sure to tell you what you need to hear, versus what you want to hear.
7. Build your willpower. Knowing your “Why” versus simply focusing on the how, will be your guide.  Being mindful of why you want to do something is much more helpful when working towards a goal.  This will help to build up your willpower and have the courage to slowdown and stop unhealthy behaviors.  Many people say they want to lose weight, but often fail, but if an important event like a wedding or class reunion comes up, watch those pounds fall.  For me, it was the doctor trying to put me on medication that changed my eating habits.  Willpower means feeding your mind like you would your body!  Keep positive affirmations and people around you.  Knowing your why helps you see in pictures what can be.  This will help you stay emotionally attached to your goals.

In summary, self-control is a complicated issue. Decide ahead of time what your goal and strategy will be.  Write your plan down and refer to it often.  You could even strategically place signs around your house, to remind you of your goals. Never be afraid to get outside help such as counselling.

Life is short.  Start doing the things you want to do and being the person, you want to be now! Don’t wait for New Years Day for your resolutions, make it today.

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Groundhog (Work) Day

I recently watched the movie “Groundhog Day” again, and if you’re not familiar with that movie, it is about a man (Bill Murray in weatherman role) who keeps waking up to the same exact day as the day before – and it keeps happening until he “gets it right”.

That is when I realized that we are in a kind of “Ground Hog Work Day” existence right now and have been for just short of six months!

We wake up and put on our “daytime pajamas”. The uniform is something that consists of making up the top half of us with a dress shirt and combed hair, and the bottom half, well… sweatpants, shorts and even pajamas for some. And what’s interesting, on our calls, most will admit to not having on shoes or socks, meaning barefoot at work has become a new norm. Instead of walking out the door in a hurry to drive to work, we walk to our makeshift desk/computer set up somewhere in our home and push the ON button and OFF the day goes.

Our situations are vast, as some have children in virtual school, a spouse working from home, babies crying or dogs barking while there are others who are simply alone. Most would agree, our cooking and baking skills have matured and well, for some, the frequency of happy hour has increased.

Our reality has changed! All of the in-person day to day things we took for granted in an office environment have disappeared.  No more water cooler conversations, “drive-by” desk chats or break-room visits.  Gone are the short elevator talks about everything and nothing.  Now if we want to have even the smallest conversation, we schedule it on Zoom or Skype.

Yes, we have gotten to know our co-workers on a more personal level, since we have been able to see fragments of their home life through a webcam lens. We have learned more about our family members as well.  We have never spent this much time together at home!  We are saving money on gas, and possibly taking better care of our plants!

Maybe now that we have learned so much, we can take that knowledge and start a new kind of workday.  A beautiful hybrid called Work/Life Balance.  We always hear the words, but now we know what the potential meaning can be for us.

But if you have not noticed, Groundhog Day is still here – this repetitive day is still happening.  And I’m wondering if we have yet to “get it right”, so let us take what we have learned, and design our day to be fulfilling and finds ways to connect, engage, and thrive.

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Accountability is Your Friend

The blue dot keeps me on track and some of you know what I am referencing. I have tried all kinds of diets, but I finally dropped 25 pounds in a year on Weight Watchers on-line and have kept if off for two years. It is simple, all I have to do is get a blue dot every day.  And now, it would be easy to cancel and save the $19.95 per month but I might get comfortable and slowly see pounds creep up, so I get right back on the plan and work for my blue dot and it gets back on track.  The WW App acts as my weight management accountability partner.

Do you have an accountability partner? Someone you can share your day with, what went well, what worked, what did not work?  Someone to review a proposal with before you hit the send button?  Is there someone to brainstorm creative ways to keep in contact with your clients while they may be still on furlough? Find someone to partner with and will help hold you accountable to your goals.  I challenge you to find someone of “like mind” and set up a buddy system.

Nothing formal is required for your accountability sessions.  It could be text chats, phone calls here and there, virtual meetings, or getting a quick coffee together.  Together we are better is not a new slogan yet it really is true. Be sure you find someone who, like you is a leader and a life long learner. You become who you hang out with, so pick and choose wisely.

For additional sales improvement tips, check out our training options and keep checking this blog.  Happy selling!

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Three Tips to Create a Listening Culture

Everyone understands that listening better makes you a better communicator, but how do you develop a culture of listening? After all changing cultural norms in the workplace is not an easy task.  Below are 3 tips on candor, styles, and emotions you can try to create to a culture that listens to everyone.

Reward candor as a positive way to build a better listening culture. If you want people to share their ideas openly, it is important to give a simple “thank you” or say things lie “that is a great idea [perspective or thought].”

Adapt to the style of co-workers.  When you adapt, with the other person’s communication style in mind, more effective interactions can take place. DiSC is a tool that can help make you more aware of the styles of others.  When conversing with the other DiSC styles below make an effort to follow these suggestions:

• D – make efficient use of time, stay focused, expect blunt truthfulness
• I – support their enthusiasm, be open to collaboration
• S – show concern for their feelings, use an easy-going approach
• C – keep the message objective, expect skepticism

Manage emotions because it can be painful for people to experience new ideas or challenges to the old way of doing things. Many may have strong, emotional reactions – so expect them and be willing to open a conversation around their issues.  You need to acknowledge the existing emotions, pause before reacting, and then form a response that that supports your new culture.  It takes emotionally agile people to work across cultures, generations, and to adapt to rapid changes in the workforce.

For more communication suggestions, review Focus on Effective Communication Skills post.

 

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Do Your Employees Know They Are Good and Valuable People?

According to Mark Scullard, insecurity can lead to the following drains on corporate culture:  gossip, territorialism, cliques, cynicism, defensiveness, hiding mistakes, resistance to change, fear of risk, passive aggressive communication, avoiding feedback, withholding of information, false consensus, and pocket vetoes.

In his white paper The Invisible Drain on Your Company’s Culture, he write “these actions slowly, and usually imperceptibly, corrode the machinery of the organization’s culture—a steady drain on efficiency, communication, transparency, engagement, creativity, and objective decision making. And, of course, all of this trickles down to the bottom line…”

People bring their personal issues into the workplace every day!  Insecurity is a natural human condition and possibly the root of most workplace conflict. At work people pretend that insecurity is something they should not reveal.  Insecurity is dismissed as a character flaw or weakness in the workplace, rather than a unconscious feeling.

Today, most leaders recognize the impact of personality and interpersonal relationships on their organization’s success, although they were unaware how much of their time might be spent managing insecurity and its consequences. However, Scullard says there is something managers can do.  Managers should understand the two dimensions of human nature (via DiSC model) to help organize interpersonal relationships and they can encourage trust in the workplace.

Want to know more about why you should use Everything DiSC?  View Creating a Winning Culture video featuring customer testimonials.

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Eliminating the Blind Spot from your View

I have been reminded time and time again; that an obstruction in our view can hurt us and more importantly it may hurt others.  This hit home when a distracted driver drove straight into our two-day-old car this December, missing my door by an inch and totaling it.  I am reminded of this type of blind spot every time I hear someone complain about: their bad manager, their incapable employee, or that they did not get the promotion they deserved.  While distracted driving causes auto accidents, those drivers do not wake up in the morning saying “I am going to go out and cause an accident today.” Nor do most preoccupied managers intend on hurting their employees.

You see, we all have our blind spots. A blind spot can be detrimental but because it is blocked from site, we do not see what others can see that is sitting right in front of us. We may never fully realize the pain we are causing others by lack of clarity of our own shortcomings.  Studies keep revealing employee engagement lingers at about 33%. Bringing the blind spot into a clear view takes effort.  By not trying to see what our own blind spot is we go around (without a clue) repeating behaviors that are inflicting pain and even damage to co-workers every day and even on ourselves.

I challenge you to have the courage in the coming year to identify your blind spot, the thing that may be holding you back from: moving into that next position, hitting your next big goal, or making it a better workplace for those around you. How can you do this?  Below are five Quick Tips for Identifying your Blind Spots.

5 tips for identifying your blind spots

1. Ask people who will tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear.
2. Get a 360 Feedback process that gives you concrete strategies for self – improvement.
3. Learn to accept feedback – maybe you are hearing it, but are you really listening?
4. Identify patterns and trends in working relationships – you might find that the common theme has a finger pointing back to you.
5. Hire a coach or find an accountability partner, someone who can help you see it and then be aware when it may be impacting you or your work relationships.

Clarity allows for clear vision and alignment in your life.  Seeing the whole picture will open new doors and increase employee engagement in your work-space.

You can find our scheduled training events on our website.  If you need other training or coaching to help you achieve your new goals, please let us know if we can help.

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Increasing Sales Effectiveness via Etiquette: Five Simple Principles

Manners still matter!  Be aware of your manners, whether at a restaurant, the golf course, or sporting event. A relaxed atmosphere is not an excuse for lax manners. After all, it is not the first impression that matters; it is maintaining a favorable one throughout the life of the relationship.  With respect to Julie Andrews, just a spoon full of manners helps the message go down in the most delightful way!

“The way we do anything is the way we do everything.” – Martha Beck

No matter how well you know a client, they are always observing you.  If they were raised with dining etiquette and you grab the wrong fork, they notice. If you curse, they notice. If you drink too much, they notice. Formalities or lack thereof may not bite you the first time, eventually it will catch up with you. It may even impact your reputation within your own firm.

Ruthie Bolton said, “If you take in life just a few principles, you won’t have to carry around a suitcase full of rules.”  With that in mind, below are five simple etiquette principles for sales professionals.

1. Respect their time. People do not have time for visitors. My clients share the overwhelming amount of emails and meetings they have on a daily basis. Keep small talk to a minimum. Thank them for their time and transition quickly to the business at hand by stating the purpose for your meeting or phone call. An appointment without a purpose is simply a visit in disguise. Every appointment should have a clear objective, even if it does not lead to a closed deal. Show up on time, every time.

2. Listen and be engaged! When you start conversations, and listen to what people are telling you, it will catapult your business. We live in a world where people are more connected than ever before, yet they are starving for a real connection to someone and something! They need to feel valued, important and that you are genuinely interested in them.  Listen to understand instead of listening to respond. To do that, you must forget about yourself and your product completely.

3. Bring positive energy with you! Be in control of the energy and atmosphere in every room you enter. Little things matter and are noticed, even if it is subconsciously. You dictate the kind of experience people have with you! This starts at your very first interaction. The way you dress, your handshake, eye contact and even your smile matters. Be genuine and authentic. Be bold; speak a little louder and speak clearly. When you are enthusiastic, people want to be a part of what you offer. Your image and attitude are going to be the things people associate with your business, your brand and your product.

4. Watch your Words! Sometimes the oldest principles are still the best principles. If you don’t have anything nice to say, the polite thing to do is to say nothing. You should never speak negatively about another company, business or person. By knocking the competition, you may be insulting their past decisions and even worse, your organization and the competition may one day merge! Talking about people versus issues is simply gossip.

5. Give recognition and appreciation. With any form of business etiquette, personalize the process by being specific to the person and situation. Express sincere gratitude and appreciation for their efforts. Give heartfelt praise for accomplishments, big and small. Celebrating achievements encourages repetitive action. Never tell the what without the why! Saying thank you for your business is an easy amenity. Telling them why you are thankful conveys sincerity in appreciation. Don’t be afraid to break out the postcards and hand written notes – in a world of emails and texts these really standout!

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Making the Most of your Networking for Sales Professionals and Job Seekers

One of the greatest complaints from corporate executives about attending professional networking events is they feel like a target for hungry sales people and job seekers.  One client of mine will not divulge her title and avoids sharing her company name at all costs.  I invited another client to a meeting and they shared with me they received six sales calls the next day, thus to say, they never came back again.    Below are ten best practices for networking, becoming known for what you know, and having your target prospects see you as a valued resource.

10 Best Practices for Network Meetings

1. Reciprocity is the rule. If the group is one that hosts your typical prospects, get involved and serve.  Remember, give and you shall receive – it works as simple as that. The difference is, it means you have to give your time and energy versus making a quick call to someone who you see as your prospect.  You will meet people in a servant role versus your sales role.
2. People Watch. Look out for newcomers or introverts.  Introduce yourself to them and others.  Next meeting, they … you got it, will look for you!
3. Connect through meaningful introductions. Become a connector and when you introduce any two people, create a little 10 second introductory commercial that states a claim about the person. As an example I was introduced recently in a networking setting as “This is Mary Anne, I describe her as the glue that holds the world together”.  She then had a nice statement about the person I was being introduced to.
4. Do not interrupt two or more parties. If you want to join a conversation, stand behind and find a nice time or place to interject then reach out and make an introduction.
5. Forget about yourself completely. Ask open ended questions about them, their interests and business.  You can certainly state your 30-second commercial  when asked what you do.  Be sure it is compelling.  As much as possible, keep the conversation on your prospect.
6. People will lose your card. Networking is not about handing out cards.  I rarely carry them.   I do however ask people for cards and follow up with a signed note and my business card.
7. Offer value versus follow up. If you learned about their interests, take notes promptly so you do not forget.  Then, instead of calling to “follow up”, send them something they might find of value including information that matches the interests or business they mentioned during your conversation.
8. Practice networking. If you are introverted, and networking is difficult for you. Make it a point to only meet two or three people.   Twenty or more years ago, I walked into an international meeting for trainers (ATD).  Although an extrovert, I was nervous; my background is sales, these were trainers.  I was a Bostonian, these were Texans.   I got my drink (yes, they served drinks back then), and I hovered in a corner, looking for what to do next. Two women walked up to me, shook my hand and I remained friends with them for many years and am still active in that association.  They later told me, they were “practicing networking.” If they did not introduce themselves, I may not have made it back to the next meeting.
9. Ask before you spam. Do not add people to your mailing list without their permission.  If you do, they may look at your email promotions and newsletters as spam versus the valuable content it really is.
10. Use “by the way…” prospecting. If you do all of the above, serve with your heart, make connections to help people; you will know when the time is right to say, “By the way, could I share a bit about our business”. Or to say “By the way, I would like to have a coffee, learn more about what you do, share what I do and see if there is any way to assist one another.”  Going for the appointment without the relationship, more often than not, is a turn off.

Happy Networking!

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Big Dreams, Big Goals – Planning for Success

2016 has already started with or without you!  Blink, the holidays over!

I actually experienced a nice vacation in NYC enjoying Rockefeller Center and all the other wonderful things “The City” has to offer and then a few days of pure rest in Oklahoma closing 2015 and entering into 2016.    No computer, no work and it felt good.    A week later back to work and whether I like it or not, this year is moving with or without me.  I realized yesterday, I had not taken the time during that time-off to reflect on what I had accomplished nor write any new goals for the New Year.   This is the time of year I usually take stock of where I am and where I want to be.  As Yogi Berra said “If you don’t know where you are going, you may never get there.” 

Sitting in a Bible study hosted by a legend, Mr. Garry Kinder of Kinder Brothers International, it reminded me to take time to put my dreams and goals for my life and the New Year in writing and keep them in front of me.   While I take the topic of goal setting for granted due to growing up in the life insurance industry, I realized how many people do not have any formal process nor recognize the importance of taking the time to write the goals and action plans down on paper, for no other reason than they have not been shown how.  So here are a few great tips that Garry Kinder reminded me of along with a few tips that work of me.

1. Know what your Chief Aim is in Life – Dream and Dream Big. To paraphrase Daniel Burnham, “there is nothing in the small dream that stirs the blood.”
2. Goals are what help you meet your dream and goals are set to be met. Set goals for various aspects of your life including:  Business and Professional, Educational, Physical, Financial, Personal including family and hobbies, and don’t forget Spiritual.
3. Tom Landry was the first to promote setting two goals, your superior goal and your minimum. Your minimum is the accomplishment that no matter what gets in the way, except an act of God, you will meet.  Let me repeat, goals are set to be met!
4. Break your goals down into daily “do-ables” and put an action plan in place to get thing done.
5. Monitor and measure where you are on a weekly basis and make adjustments along the way.
6. And as my husband says, “GOYA” – Get Off Your Anatomy. Or as Nike says, “Just Do It”.  You can talk about your dreams all day and wake up mid-life to have others realize, “they are just a dreamer” rather than a success.   Garry Kinder, God bless him in his 80’s stated, “You can’t coach people who live in la-la land.”
7. And the greatest Garry Kinder statement that I walked away with after the goal setting talk was, “Compete, but don’t compare.” Compete, work to accomplish your goals, financial and otherwise, but do not compare yourself to others.  Competition is good; comparing can hurt us and others.

To learn more about goal setting for sales results, chapter one of my book, The Sales Messenger: 10 Lessons for Sales Success in Your Business and Personal Lives is all about setting sales goals and how to accomplish them.    Invest in yourself; hire a business coach, a sales coach, personal trainer or anyone else who can help you in this process.

Dream big, set goals, and develop a plan.  Make 2016 your best year ever!

 

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Why engage your employees?

Check out this 1.5 minute video by Dwight Lacey on what employee engagement is.

Areas in which engagement impacts business results
1. Increases productivity
2. Improves customer loyalty
3. Increases employee retention
4. Reduces absenteeism
5. Reduces wokplace accidents

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